We are confronted by differences of opinion regularly; never more so in the news today at the time of writing given that Brexit is very much in the news basking in the 48 / 52 difference of opinion. We are arguing with friends and neighbours, all determined that our perspective is right.
What often happens is that in a relationship, the dogma of “rightness” becomes so embedded in our psyche that we may even rally round friends and neighbours who agree with us to lend support to our argument that WE are the right person in all of this. A belief is hard to shift. But we need to adopt a birds’ eye perspective.
In a close relationship or marriage this presents us with a different problem.
Are they the person we married?
Are they even right for us?
Arguments can become extremely heated, each of us clinging to OUR opinion because of course it is right.
Reflect for a moment on this fact. You both have strong opinions, in your eyes you are correct in holding this opinion.
But your beloved disagrees intently.
Take the vaccination argument, and one that has caused me personally problems in the past and with good reason. I’d met several mums who believed quite fervently their children had been vaccine damaged, I’d read a lot of articles and followed doctors such as Dr Jayne Donegan to name a few.
My husband on the other hand had listened to government articles, and felt that societal guidelines were imperative to follow.
Regardless of the fact that we had seriously different perspectives we were both coming from the same point of reasoning. Fear. We both feared our children would suffer either a) if they did get vaccinated and experienced devastating side effects (a point that is open to debate), or b) died from a “serious” childhood illness (also a point open to debate).
Same motives, but different reasonings and objectives.
In new relationships where children are involved there can often be disagreements. The natural reasoning behind this is that these children may not be yours and at times, you could feel “shut out” of that relationship. Rather than controlling the situation or asserting your self as the “new” parent which causes more ructions, think about how that child might be feeling. Express your feelings to your spouse or new partner in terms of how you feel and what outcome you would like. Criticising the child for doing something that perhaps comes naturally will upset both child and their biological parent.
Other emotive issues may involve affairs.
1 person in the relationship has an affair – perhaps this was an opportunity presenting itself or perhaps there were other (deep seated or otherwise) issues in the original relationship. The other person is left feeling betrayed, devastated, ignored, overlooked and more. None of us may know entirely the circumstances behind the affair taking place but we do know that the repercussions can be felt for long into the future.
The unfaithful person may be contrite and not want their original relationship to end, they were simply seeking solace or wanting their partner to understand how much they might have been hurting. Or they were simply taking advantage of an opportunity and were – in general – someone who couldn’t stay faithful.
The person to whom they have been unfaithful finds it hard to trust the other any more and whilst both parties may seek to hold things together the desire to lash out from both is very strong. It may result in a relationship breakup –
“I deserve better”
“He/she betrayed me, I can’t get past that”
“If only he/she would listen, it may never have happened”
“That’s just the way he/she is, s/he will never change”
“S/he’s a complete b****”
And so forth. Finding the common element here again, is FEAR. We have lost something we thought we had, not had something we thought we wanted, not communicated the importance of a particular element in the relationship (in this case, fidelity).
Deep down neither of the partners’ needs have been met. Neither of them are a true bitch or bastard (ok, there are some narcissists, controlling people out there but even these people often come from a position of fear).
It’s important for each individual partner to really think and voice what the essential ingredients are in a successful partnership / relationship / marriage. Yet it is rare for any of us to really think anything through before we feel those thunderbolts of attraction as we fall headlong into a romantic love affair.
If you find you are struggling in your relationships, whether you are currently in one, are having disagreements in one or simply want to ensure your next relationship is one that you really want, then download this Relationship Vision guide and get in touch.
Are you operating out of FEAR or LOVE?
What is more important, to be RIGHT or KIND?
What Outcome do YOU want?
But move on we must. A breakup can feel like bereavement without a body, someone once told me. How that stuck with me.
